Muppet Love
by DAEMON606
Summary: Ernie and Bert are room mates and lovers meant-to-be. What adventure will they face this time?
1. Chapter 1: The Beginning

**Muppet Love: The Beginning. **

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Sesame, there was a little boy called Ernie.

Ernie was a very nice boy, ordinary like you and I, but just that he has orange skin, a too-wide mouth and doesn't have any eyebrows. Because of this, his classmates at school loved to tease him to no end. Ernie was sad and lonely all the time.  
He even had early-onset childhood depression because of his low self-esteem caused by the constant bullying and teasing.

One day, there was a transfer student that joined Ernie's class at school, and he was called Bert.

Bert had almost the same problems as Ernie. He was all yellow, had a straight line for his mouth and had a massive case of brow-gina.

Since no one offered to make friends with Bert, Ernie thought, "Why not?" and went to talk to him. They became fast friends and pretty soon, they were the kind of friends who were considered inseparable.  
Where Ernie is short and a little plump, Bert is tall and skinny.

However, there came to a time when Ernie felt that his feelings for Bert were beyond the normal-friends line and he was worried. He fretted that Bert might not feel the same way and even worse, might stop being friends with him if he told Bert the truth.

Little did Ernie know that Bert was feeling exactly the same way toward him.

Ernie should have seen the signs of Bert's sexual tendencies.

The white turtleneck shirt under a v-necked vertical striped sweater and bright green pants Bert love to wear all the time. And whereas Ernie always chose to hide his sexuality with a normal sweatshirt and jeans, you could always realise that singing in the shower with a rubber-ducky is all too obvious for a boy as old as him.

After they graduated, they decided to move in together. Ernie could never sleep or stay still in his small bed when Bert was so close beside him. He loved to do irritating things just to keep Bert awake at night.  
And Bert on the other hand, tried to keep his feelings for Ernie to himself by pretending to be grumpy everyday. They were a perfect match for one another.

One night when Ernie was in the toilet examining his non-existent eyebrows, Bert accidentally came in and asked Ernie what he was doing.

Ernie said, "Oh Bert, I have no eyebrows."

Bert's heart softened because frankly, he loved Ernie for having no eyebrows. It made him feel much better about his extra overgrown ones.  
Bert quickly tried to cover it by saying in an extra sulky voice, "Well, I have enough eyebrows for both of us. They're even stuck together."

Ernie was not finished with self-loathing and continued, "But my mouth is big enough to swallow your whole face, Bert."

Bert's heart nearly leaped out of his chest when he heard this and said, "And my mouth is a straight line. Can you get over it?"

They kept quiet and looked into one another's eyes. And in that moment they knew.

CENSORED.  
CENSORED.  
CENSORED.  
CENSORED.

The End.


	2. Chapter 2: The Fountain of Fairness

**Muppet Love 2 : The Fountain of Fairness **

There was a time, not so long ago, maybe about 3 years or so, when Ernie's facial hair began to grow. But this is not the time for rhymes, or even the occasion for any of Bert's mimes, so let's get this story started with a shine.

Bert just came home from his accounting job at SSB's (Seasame Street Bank) when he came home upon a sight that could cure sore eyes.

His darling Ernikins.

But of course he wouldn't show his undying love with passionate kisses, instead he cleared his throat rather loudly.

"ACK-HEM!"

No movement, only the faint rustling of pages being turned over.

"This is odd, Ernie never reads. Unless it's SS's BeautyCare Weekly about how to make his nose appear smaller or something along those lines..", thought Bert and he decided to try again.

"ACKKK-HEM!"

But Bert noticed that Ernie's head didn't pop up from behind the stack of books on a table to greet him at all. Adding to his annoyance was that particular table Ernie was using, is actually Bert's. Bert tried to control his OCD-ness and managed to ignore the mess on his table.

"ACKKKKK-HEM!"

This time, Ernie's head did pop up and Bert's heart gave in to a fluttering of imaginary butterflies when he saw Ernie's adorable orange face.

"Yes, Bert? You sound like you need some cough syrup."

"Well, that must be because for the past few minutes I've been trying my best to get your attention by clearing my already dry throat."

"Oh dear Bert, this time you managed to sound less sarcastic than you usually are..."

Bert heave a huge sigh.

"Ernie, may I ask what you're doing with all those old maps and books?"

"I'm doing some research on the 'Fountain of Fairness'."

"Well you can stop there and pack up, because Mr-Fairness is standing right here.", said Bert who was puffing out his chest with his arms akimbo.

Bert always prided himself on being a good judge of what is right and what is wrong and although his choice in clothing always disproves this, Ernie usually just nods his head and try to irritate Bert about his other 'good' points.

"No, Bert. This is Mr Orange-Skin talking to Mr Yellow-Skin. My Fountain of Fairness is from the well-known legends. The one where Ms Piggy found while taking a stroll in the infamous Labyrinth of the Snuffaluffagus with the Count, who tamed Snuff and when Ms Piggy was admiring a zit on her chin in the reflection from the fountain water she fell over and took a drink from the fountain accidentally and she became all fair! Not a pimple since! Don't you remember that legend!?", Ernie said vehemently in one breath.

"Obviously, not. But you forgot to add in that the Count was busy counting and couldn't get after 13 when he realised Ms Piggy trying her best not to sink in from her immense weight. And that he couldn't save her because the fountain had running water but he managed to get Snuff to drag her out."

If Ernie had any eyebrows, it would have been very apparent that one of it would be up.

"Yes, look at her!", said Ernie while gesturing to a poster of Ms Piggy at the premiere of 'Ms Piggy's Guide to Life' which was to Bert's annoyance, an inch of crossing over to his side of the room. "Not a single pore! Or blackhead!"

Bert realised Ernie was getting his day-dreamy look of his and quickly said, "And so? Are you going to tell me you're going to find it? No one has ever found it again! Ms Piggy made it clear that she didn't want anyone in Sesame Street to have the same flawless face and forced the Count to conjure a really hungry monster to guard it! Anyone who has ever dared to enter, never left to tell the story!"

"Ah Bert, you're too pessimistic. That's why you've got me to balance your 'yin'."

"Well, would you like to show me how exactly you balance it?", Bert said with his brow-gina rising up to fuse with his hairline and a grin.

"Ha ha, Bert. You're not getting any unless you come with me. Your skin is looking more and more like an over-riped banana with those blackheads for black marks. Hurry along and help pack."

"What!? Really?!", came Bert's immediate reply and to Ernie's satisfaction he saw that Bert ran to the mirror to check out his face.

"Oh yes and after you're done, bring along the batch of cookies we baked yesterday. I want your 'B' shaped ones, Bert!"

The next day after Bert called the bank to take leave, both of them set out to find the mysterious fountain.

They were walking along a back alley when they heard a muffled shouting near a dumpster.

"LET ME OUT, YOU BUNCH OF GOOD-FOR-NOTHING OAFS!"

Both of them ran to the dustbin that was making the noise and they found some duct-tape wrapped around the bottom of the bin to the top many times.

Bert gave an almighty 'HAIYAH!' and judo-chopped the tape and amazingly it tore open. Ernie gave Bert a misty-eyed look of love and admiration while Bert was muttering, "It was nothing. I learnt it during my stint in the Marine Corps.", while simultaneously not looking like it-was-nothing and puffing out his chest.

"Will you two stop it already, my face's turning green from your bro-mance.", said Dude-in-the-bin.

They guilty looked away and back at their rescued bin-hogger.

"Well, your face's already green, Oscar.", Bert said solemnly.

Ernie bursted out with peals of laughter.

"And I didn't know you had a sense of humour, Bert."

Bert ignored him and went on to make introductions. "Ernie, this is Oscar the Grou-AHEM. And Oscar, this is Ernie."

"No almost blurting out my nickname when you're one too!" Oscar exclaimed, much to Ernie's continual amusement.

Oscar's furry brown eyebrows furrowed into a tight "V" and Ernie clapped his 4 finger-hands over his mouth. Oscar told them how he got bullied by Baby Bear and his friends. Apparently they smacked the lid on Oscar's head, which knocked him out and when he gained consciousness later, he couldn't get out of the bin.

After Oscar's low and highly reluctant murmur of thanks, they left the alley and continued on their way.

They've been walking around the Sesame Street Park for almost an hour when Bert noticed that Ernie has been reading the map upside-down. After getting into a huge argument which involved throwing insults at each other about an East-to-West mouth and an oblong-shaped nose, Bert couldn't take the pointless arguing anymore.

"Oh let's just ask that guy in red for directions!", exclaimed Bert with impatience.

"What's he doing taking a goldfish in a bowl out for a walk? No Bert, that guy seems so queer."

"And you're wondering why we're holding hands?", said Bert with one side of his eyebrow up like a straight-line graph with a positive gradient.

"That's true..Hey! Could you give us the directions to the ABC Walkway?"

The guy in red turned and to their amazement he was wearing nothing but a set of stylish sunglasses perched not on eyes but a bright orange nose. He walked coolly to them, all the while balancing the fishbowl on one hand.

"Are..are you...", Ernie took a gulp and swallowed hard.

"Elmo?", completed Bert.

"Ah yes. The one that all the ladies fawn over. Oh, Ernie is that you? Haven't seen you in ages since the auditions for the segment of Sesame Street featuring me and Dorothy. Too bad now I'm famous and you're...stuck with a guy with a funny fashion sense."

Ernie hated Elmo for getting the role and even more so now when he insulted his beloved Bert.

"Well at least he's not a nudist like you! I can't even see where your-"

"My heavenly Elmo, please could you tell us where we can find the Walkway?", Bert quickly cut in before Ernie got any further. He knew Elmo had connections and knew the place well.

"Hmm...Let me see. Since you talked reasonably, I shall bestow you a song with my lovely voice. LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA, ELMO'S WORLD!"

Bert turned to Ernie and whispered, "Just bear with it, Erns!"

Much to Bert's relief, Ernie calmly looked away to a frog going 'ker-mit!' on a lily pad in the pond behind Elmo and fixated a death-dying stare there for the next few agonizing minutes.

After a while, Elmo finished his song and cleared his throat.

"Alright, now with that done, let's just ask Dorothy, alright?"

"WHAT! ARE YOU TELLING ME WE'RE GOING TO GET DIRECTIONS FROM A...A GOLDFISH!!!?", shouted Ernie.

"It's Dorothy, my dear orange friend.", said Elmo with a sneer. "And if you watched my show, I always ask her for advice. I can tell you, she gives much better ones than that lousy Mr Noodle. Now Dorothy, do you know where's the place Bert is asking for?"

The fat goldfish just swam around the fishbowl.

"Okay, here goes. Dorothy says you just have to walk 10 minutes straight to the north, past the pond behind me and you'll find the Walkway. And you have to be careful, the monster in the labyrinth was part of my nudist community in the past, right before he got the job to guard the labyrinth. I have to tell you, he's not someone to mess around with."

After saying their thanks, they managed to escape out of getting sung another verse of 'Elmo's World' by Elmo himself.

Ten minutes later they arrived on the walkway and started following the path. Ernie had told Bert earlier that they need only to follow the path to get to the entrance of the labyrinth.

POOF!

"OMG! IT'S THE COUNT!", screamed Ernie and leaped into Bert's arms.

"Well, you're the one who wanted the mission. You should know the dangers we'd be facing.."

"Couldn't you just think I was finding an excuse to be closer to you!"

"'HEM!"

Both of them turned to the Count and said, "Yes?"

"If you're dunn' arguing, pleaze let me know."

"We're not! We're just having a lover's spat!", said Bert defensively.

"And in vat vay is dart 'ifferent?", said the Count nonchalantly while at the same time polishing his eye-glass.

"Anyway! What are you doing here? You can't just do your batty-appearing thing and scare muppets in broad daylight!", squeaked Ernie, eager to change the topic.

"Iz it broad day'ight? I only z dee loovely moon."

To Ernie's dismay, he only just realised it's dark already. It was only because the Walkway was sheltered by rows of trees around them and there were lamps along the walkway that they didn't notice the sun setting an hour before that.

"You don't eff to worry, I'm just 'ear to tell you my warnings. Dooo not enter, own-lee at your own per-ril."

"What's wrong with your accent?", Ernie ask impolitely.

"It'z a Romanian azzent, you noot(nut)!"

"I thought you're from Transylvannia?"

"Oh my god, Ernie! Transylvannia is IN Romania!!!", Bert said in an extremely offended voice, as if anyone who didn't know that deserved to be called a 'noot' too.

"ARGH! Shoot oop you two bickering noots! Just heed my warnings!", shouted Dracula and with that he vanished again with a POOF!

Ernie and Bert looked at each other and shrugged. They continued to walk and finally reached the entrance to the labyrinth. Ernie had managed to get a rough idea of the layout of the labyrinth from different accounts, although Bert said before that that no one had left to tell the story. They followed Ernie's map closely.

A few times they got very lost and it was all thanks to Bert having the great idea to have brought a pencil did they manage to trace back their path which Bert would landmark every few steps into the labyrinth. After a while, they started to hear a rumbling sound. Little did they know it would be something monstrous.

They decided to follow the rumbling sound and to their joy they've reached the centre of the labyrinth where the Fountain was fabled to be! And right in front of it was...

"The monster!", croaked Ernie in a half-choked voice.

The huge monster, who frankly looked quite mentally-challenged with his eyes staring at different angles on a too-small head attached to a much too-large body, was staring hungrily (if it could be that he was actually staring at them) at Bert and Ernie.

"MUNCH MUNCH FOR ME??"

"Er..munch munch? No, sorry, no munch for you!", shouted Ernie back guiltily.

"AWW!!! NO MUNCH MUNCH FOR MONSTER, MONSTER MUNCH YOU!", bellowed the blue monster and he thundered angrily towards them, all the while with his humongous tummy rumbling.

"How can he be hungry if his love-handles are so thick!?", Ernie shouted to Bert.

"How would I know that! And Ernie! Just throw him the last 'B'-shaped cookie! I know you saved it for later!"

They were both running hard back into the labyrinth to get away from the blue monster. Bert, whose legs were longer than Ernie, was dragging him along, gasping for breath and begging Ernie to give the Monster a 'MUNCH'.

"But you made it for me!!"

"SO!? Do you want to get eaten or do you want a zit-free face forever!", reasoned Bert.

Ernie always took Bert's reasoning very seriously and so, after taking another two turns in the labyrinth, Ernie made up his mind and dug in his pockets for the last cookie.

They put a full-stop to the chase and Bert called, "Hey Monster, here's a cookie for you! Just let us pass please!!!"

"MUNCH MUNCH?"

"Yes!"

Ernie threw the cookie and the Monster caught the cookie flying in mid-air. The Monster stood aside munching the cookie like he had Mad-Muppet-Disease while Ernie and Bert walked quickly past him. They reached the fountain and while brushing cookie crumbs off his shirt fastidiously, Bert said, "You have a good throwing arm, Ernikins."

"And you have a very sexy diplomatic voice, Bertie.", and Ernie, eager to get everlasting pore-less skin said, "Let's drink!"

They both took huge scoops with their hands and drank deeply.

After a few minutes of waiting, "Oh Bert! Is my skin as fair as Ms Piggy's yet? Not anymore of the orange-tint??"

"Er no, but I noticed that the pimple that was on the middle of your nose is gone. How about me? Less yellow and more beige?"

Ernie shook his head in frustration. He sat down on the ground.

"Oh no...", Bert said.

"What?"

"Ernie, did you actually read anywhere that this Fountain of Fairness is supposed to be about getting a porcelain face with no pimples forever?"

"Er..no..."

"WHAT!?"

"Well, they said 'fair', so I assumed would be beige-fair. Your yellow skin doesn't look too sickly-yellow like before though. It seems fairer. Perhaps this is what it means?", Ernie suggested.

"Yes, I should think so..Look here!", Bert said while pointing to an etching on the side of the fountain.

"WARNING: FOUNTAIN WATER WILL NOT TURN DRINKER'S FACE INTO BEIGE-FAIR BUT A FEW SHADES LIGHTER OF YOUR ORIGINAL SKIN COLOUR. AND A WHOLE LOT LESS PIMPLY. ALSO, MORE GULPS DOES NOT EQUATE TO THIS WARNING NOT BEING TRUE. JUST GET A SIP AND LEAVE.", recited Ernie.

"Who would leave such annoying warnings?", Bert said.

"I don't know, but at least our acne days are over. Hope it extends to my Bacne and Chacne problems.", replied Ernie.

"If it doesn't, I'll be more than happy to slather some acne cream on your back and chest for you, Erns."

They were looking into each other eyes when they noticed the Cookie Monster was back.

"ORANGE AND YELLOW BOY DRANK THE WATER. NOW MONSTER SEND YOU OUT."

"Okay, thanks Cooks.", said Ernie.

"COOKS??"

"Please don't tell me you've decided to name the monster with a nickname of 'Cooks'...", grumbled Bert while rolling his eyes.

Ernie just puckered up his non-existent lips and followed the Cookie Monster out with Bert right behind..

So this ends the story of Bert and Ernie's first quest, and I'm sure ending it here is for the best, because there's always time for another test, of the two faithful muppet's relationship strength.


	3. Chapter 3: Wintry Jokes

**Muppet Love 3: Wintry Jokes **

In a land not so far away, where typical things happen almost everyday, lives 2 male muppets on the hard road to achieving legal marriage status.

But this story isn't about their domestic lives, or any other normal thing that happens to you or I, it's just another extraordinary event they face in the test of time.

"AHA! Look here, Bert. My 'Joke About Jokes' book has another really good joke.", Ernie said with excitement.

"Oh...Ernie, not another one of your 'What vegetable's forbidden on ships?' kind of jokes. The weather's cold enough!", came Bert's nasal voice from behind a pigeon joke book.

"Yes! Yes! Don't you see? The answer was 'leeks'! You know? As in leaks? Haha!", Ernie's replied with some extreme giggling.

Although any one in their right mind would go crazy by now after a whole morning of cold jokes that they really insisted that they didn't want to hear, Bert was almost crazy too. Crazy in love.

Bert gave a long sigh and said, "Okay well, Ernie, we should go out to the beach for a picnic. The weather's starting to get cold and before you know it, it'll be winter and no more rubbing sun tan lotion on me."

"Wh-what!? Did I hear the word 'rub'?", came Ernie's voice from his favourite armchair by the TV, which was technically Bert's before Ernie insisted the purple matched his orange skin better.

Bert saw Ernie's two eyes peeking out from behind his 'Joke About Jokes' book and he could almost visualise his non-existent eyebrows wriggling up and down mischievously.

"Yes, yes, now go put on your yellow sunglasses that you look so hot in and I'll pack the stuff.", said Bert, who was trying to hide his melting heart from Ernie's cock-eyed eyes.

"Oh great, Bert! Don't forget my SPF 150 sunscreen! You don't want a brown Ernie in your bed tonight!"

Bert kept his mouth in a straight line while packing the towels in a basket. Bert would have loved to burst out saying that he'd love Ernie no matter how orange he'd get but he didn't want to boost Ernie's already huge ego. Plus, he'd never leave him alone tonight if he admitted it, he really didn't want to encourage Ernie any further.

So after about 5 minutes of packing up and 30 minutes of Ernie preening himself in the mirror, Bert managed to drag Ernie out of the house to go to the beach.

To get to the beach, they had to walk past the alley which they met Oscar the Grouch previously on an adventure, where they saved Oscar from a quick fix. This time, they would find that history would be about to repeat itself.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING OAF! LET ME DOWN!!", said Oscar in anger. He couldn't get any greener from his anger.

They saw that Bruno the trash man was grabbing on tightly to Oscar's bin and the green guy in the bin was trashing about trying to get Bruno to put him down. There were scraps of green rubbish flying everywhere from the struggle.

"Oscar! Just hold still! I just want to clear your bin! Some neighbours have been complaining that your bin is giving out a bad odour from all your hoarding of green-coloured trash!", said Bruno through clenched teeth.

"WHAT NEIGHBOURS HUH!? IS IT THAT BIG BIRD!? I KNEW HE'S TOO WEIRD FOR HIS OWN GOOD! HE EVEN HAS PINK RINGS ON HIS LEGS!", shouted Oscar, who meanwhile was using an empty green jar that used to store pickles to hit Bruno on the head repeatedly.

Bert and Ernie looked at each other and knew they had to do something to stop it.

"Yuhoo Oscar!", exclaimed Bert in his best persuasive voice, "Here's some green cologne from Miss Piggy's new line of perfumed products."

"Hey! Bert! That's my only bottle of cologne I brought out!", whined Ernie.

"Oh Ernie, you won't die from not using it for one afternoon! I promise you I'll buy another bottle for you tomorrow, alright?", said Bert exasperatedly, his brow-gina deepening into a V shape.

Ernie gave a miserable face while Bert threw the bottle of cologne to Oscar. Oscar started to spray it around, and in his glee he sprayed some of it into Bruno's eyes.

Bert and Ernie left the alley hearing Bruno's screeches of pain echoing down the street.

When they reached the beach, they found that most of Sesame Street's inhabitants were there as well. It seemed that there was a annual beach party going on to welcome winter in Sesame Street and they were holding a competition called, 'Wintry Jokes'.

The competition goes like this. There will be 5 contestants and each of them will be given questions by a judge and depending on the 'coldness' of their answers, the judge will pick a winner who gives the 'coldest' answer.

Ernie saw who was signing up at the booth, got into a frenzy and kept nudging Bert in the ribs.

"Bert! Hey Bert! You see that annoying red nudist is signing up! I just read my 'Joke of Jokes' book, Bert! I'm sure I can win him!", said Ernie with enthusiasm.

"Ow! Ernie! Stop it, my ribs hurt! Come on, leave that Elmo alone, why do you always pick fights with him?", Bert said with tetchiness.

"I DO NOT ALWAYS PICK FIGHTS WITH HIM! You know he won the Donald Grump's show called 'Grouch Apprentice' and because he did everything right, he got fired! HA! Now Donald Grump's here again to be the competition's judge! I bet I'll do better than that Elmo! Hmph.", said Ernie all in a breath.

Bert heaved a huge sigh and was thinking why couldn't they just have a peaceful time at the beach when he realised that Ernie was already at the booth signing up for the competition.

Frankly, Bert was quite taken aback from Ernie's speed, even from his short legs.

Shrugging his shoulders, he walked slowly towards the booth where he sensed a bit of a quarrel going on between Ernie and Big Bird.

"What last name?! I don't have any! That Elmo didn't have any too and you signed him up without even asking! Just put my name down as 'Ernie'!", said Ernie with annoyance. There was a red tint in his orange skin starting to show right then.

"Well, you know, Elmo's kind of famous so I already know him on a first-name basis, but you're just a neighbour and I need all of your particulars.", said Big Bird placatingly.

"You yellow-", Ernie started to shout when Bert interrupted, "Okay, Mr Big, Oscar the Grouch was saying how he knows you're the one who lodged a complaint against him and because we helped you, he forgot to pursue the matter and his bin's smelling a lot better with Ernie's cologne. Why don't you give us a break and just let Ernie join the competition? If you delay it any longer, he'll start his cold-joke mania on you and try to prove how capable his is."

"A-all right. You're in, Ernie.", said Big Bird, who really didn't have a choice.

Bert was feeling quite smug about himself and Ernie was giving him gooey-eyed looks and promising him not to bring his rubber duckie to their baths for a month when Elmo came strolling towards both of them while holding his fishbowl under his left armpit.

"Well, well. I heard you slimed your way in, Ernie, and of course with the help of the ever-clever Bert.", said Elmo in his usual high-pitched hoarse voice.

Ernie was about to launch his chubby self against Elmo's lean body when Bert used all his might from his stick-frame to drag Ernie across the beach to a bench.

By the time Ernie managed to calm down, the competition was starting.

Bert managed to find some fallen coconut tree leaves and weaved them into pom-poms to cheer for Ernie.

After Donald Grump gave his speech the competition officially started.

The other 3 contestants were not very good at cold jokes.

Contestant number one Sherlock Hemlock lost immediately after he answered with scientific equations when asked what do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit.

Even Bert knew the answer to this joke, 'A bad hare day'. Well, he heard it a few days ago when Ernie asked him about it from his joke book.

Number two was The Count who kept counting the seagulls as they went by and only gave numbers as an answer to an American Football joke.

The third was one of the orange Martians who only talked Martian and was immediately disqualified from the competition.

And finally it all came down to Ernie and Elmo.

"Now we only have 2 contenders for the finals! Who will it be, muppets? Both names start with the letter 'E'! But first, let me ask the more famous of the two.", said Mr Grump in a slick Brooklyn-Italian accent.

"HEY!", shouted Ernie in a highly unjustified voice.

"So Elmo, why don't ant-eaters get sick?", continued Donald Grump, totally ignoring Ernie.

"That's simple. It's because they are full of anty-bodies.", said Elmo while examining his non-existent finger nails.

A huge applause came from the audience and there was a few muppets laughing at his answer.

"Well done! Now Ernie, here's your turn. You ready for your question?", said Mr Grump.

Ernie nodded quickly.

"All right, here goes. What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?", asked Donald Grump.

Bert held his breath.

"Er...", and after a short pause, "A hare net?(Hair net)", said Ernie in a statement that sounded like a question.

You could almost hear the cricket sounds, if the beach had any, and there was an audible sound of people wincing and cringing in their seats from his answer.

"CONGRATULATIONS! WE HAVE A WINNER! Ernie has answered his question with a colder answer that even made cringing audible!", shouted Mr Grump while clapping.

There was confetti falling everywhere and Ernie still had that surprised look on his face.

Bert started jumping up and down, waving the pom poms he held in a totally undignified manner and after he realised this, he quickly stopped himself and ran to Ernie, who finally realised he's won the competition.

Ernie's smile could not get any bigger. His mouth was stretching the limits of 'wide'.

Donald Grump was handing him the Cup of Coldness trophy and Ernie was wiping his tears of joy with the sleeve of his striped sweater.

Throughout the chaos, Bert saw that Elmo had a shattered look on his face and he was staring into the fishbowl at his pet goldfish named Dorothy.

"Why? Dorothy, why did I lose?", said Elmo in despair. "I gave a better answer!"

Bert let go of Ernie's hug, put his hand on Elmo's bare shoulders and said to him, "Well, you did give a better answer, but it's not what this competition's looking for. They're looking for a 'colder' answer. And I guess Ernie's was 'colder' than yours, Elmo."

Elmo swatted away Bert's handshake with a bitter face and stalked away. Everyone ignored him.

Because during that afternoon, all eyes were on the winner of the day, Ernie.

Later that night when they reached home and Ernie was reliving his 5 seconds of glory for the umpteenth time, "I knew the coldest answer, Bert! I knew that it'll win Elmo's! So I said-"

"Yes, yes. You said 'A hare net.', Ernie. Please do stop going on about it and let's go to sleep. I'm tired.", interrupted Bert while thinking that Ernie didn't sound quite so confident about his answer at that time at all.

"All right then, since you don't want to listen to me I'll bring my rubber duckie in and tell him everything."

"NOT AGAIN!!!!? YOU PROMISED, ERNIE!"

"I promised only about bringing him to the bathtub with us, Bert. Hehe."

That whole night Bert couldn't get to sleep as he was tormented by the frequent squeaking from Ernie's rubber duckie in response to Ernie's repeated story.


	4. Chapter 4: The Thunder Thief

**Muppet Love 4: The Thunder Thief**

Long before anyone's time, there lived two muppets sharing a basement apartment at 123 Sesame Street.

No, their ceiling doesn't suffer from any leaks, but these two muppets often get into a quick fix.

So now is the time for us to go on to Ernie and Bert next adventure, that happened late in the month of December...

"Bert! Oh Bert! Have you seen my rubber duckie?", asked Ernie impatiently.

"OUCH! Ernie! Stop throwing your toys out of your toy chest just to look for your rubber duckie! It's making a mess out of our room! And one of your toy fire engine just hit me on the head!", said Bert querulously. There was a visible bruise starting to purple on the left side of his head.

"Oh sorry, Bert. But I just can't live without my dear rubber duckie...", moaned Ernie in a lifeless voice.

"Well, if it consoles you, I haven't seen my pigeon for an hour now. I wondered where she's gone. The website said Bernice is a pedigree homing pigeon! I sent her on an errand to the NASA Satellite to convey a message to one of the Martians and she's still not back yet! I miss her..", groaned Bert in an equally despondent voice.

Ernie leaned onto Bert's downward-sloping shoulder while looking at photographs of their beloved pet and toy.

"Look at my rubber duckie, always such a faithful buddy during my baths. He always gave me company when you weren't in the bath with me, Bert.", said Ernie dreamily.

"And look at Bernice, my favourite pigeon of them all. She even learnt the secret art of giving off dung-missiles on Elmo's head when I told her about him being so mean to you..", Bert whispered in a woebegone voice.

Suddenly, outside Ernie and Bert's apartment came a POOF! sound and a quick KNOCK! KNOCK! on their door.

Because Ernie and Bert's door had no peepholes, Bert went to listen at the door for a sign of their unknown visitor.

"Who is that??", asked Bert.

"It iz I, z Count von Count! Open oop, my 'ear moopets(dear muppets)!", came a heavily accented voice from behind the door.

Bert slowly opened the door despite Ernie's vigorous shaking of his head and waving of arms. Bert blew a fly-away kiss to Ernie as he thought Ernie was doing his usual dance routine at the Sesame Club. In truth Ernie was told he danced like a witch shaman on Ecstasy but Bert loved everything about Ernie and could even overlook this fatal flaw of his.

He stood back to admire the chubby form that was Ernie, whose head was an orange and black blur from all that shaking. Bert's heart melted and somewhere in his belly there was the usual fluttering flip.

However, once the door opened Ernie's four-fingered hands flopped downwards like a chicken and his head stopped shaking. This time, there was no mistaking what Ernie meant before from his expression now.

"Ernie, why didn't you want me to open the door?", asked Bert.

"Because it's the Count! And whenever there is 'z Count von Count involved, noothing good ever 'appens!", imitated Ernie perfectly.

Bert immediately felt very defensive about his position and took in a huge breath with his arms akimbo to snapped back something when, "Ooh fer goodnez zakez, why are you two alwayz arguin'!?", the Count interrupted.

"You purple-!", shouted Ernie and when Bert saw what was coming and he quickly interrupted with, "So Count, why are you here?"

"I em zure you two 'ave nooticed that your daarling roober dookie and peegeon haz vanished? 'Ell, I 'ave taken them hoostage!!", said the Count in a melodramatic voice.

Adding to the effect was that there was lightning nearby but the sound of an accompanying thunder was noticeably absent.

"W-what!?", choked Ernie.

"W-wh-why?", completed Bert.

"Beecauze! Soom-one haz stoolen my thunder eeffect! I 'ave waatched you two on your preeviouz add-venture zark-zestfully fee-nding z Footain of Fairness and I think you will zark-zestfully fee-nd my thunder eeffect too!", the Count exclaimed theatrically.

"Do you actually understand what this guy is saying here, Bert?", said Ernie impolitely.

"Er, Ernie. I think what the Count meant is that he saw us finding the Fountain of Fairness when no one else did and he wants us to help him find his thunder effect.", came Bert's nasal know-it-all voice.

"Yez!! And 'ithout my thunder eeffect I cannot annoonce my total count finale that iz uzually acoompanied with my crazh oof thunder and flazh oof lightning! Zee?", and with that the Count clapped his hands and there came only the flash of lightning.

"Well, it does seems a lot less impressive...", said Ernie with a little chuckle.

"'RGH!!! Juust fee-nd my thunder eeffect by niightfall! Oor you zhall neever geet your beeloved thingz baack!", shouted the Count and with that, he vanished with a turn of his black cape and a POOF!

"What now, Bert?", asked Ernie dishearteningly.

Bert could almost see Ernie's orange lips pouting and nearly gave it a kiss when he managed to control himself and instead cleared his throat.

"ACK-HEM! Sorry, dry throat. Well Ernie, looks like we've got to find the Count's thunder effect then, in order to get Bernice and your rubber duckie back."

"Okay, I'll go pack our bags. Think I should bring my spare rubber duckie along?", said Ernie.

"WHAT!!? YOU HAVE A SPARE RUBBER DUCKIE!? Oh Ernie, then why were you pining for your old one!?!", asked Bert exasperatedly.

"Well, the spare is only for emergency use, Bert. Now hurry along and make some numerical cookies for our trip.", Ernie said with quiet glee.

"ARGH!!!", shouted Bert while smacking his hand on his forehead, with his other hand pulling at what was left of his already little tuft of hair.

Ernie and Bert didn't know who exactly was the Thunder Thief and where the Thunder Effect could be, so they resorted to going door to door to ask their neighbours if anyone had seen any trace of the Thunder.

After knocking on several doors, Bert came up with the suggestion to go to Elmo, since he had a lot of connections and could probably give them a clue. But Ernie was against the idea and they got into a quarrel.

It seemed inevitable that they would have to ask Elmo for help so Ernie gave in to Bert and by this time it was already mid-afternoon. When they finally reached Elmo's house, the red nudist opened the door with a sneer at Ernie and Bert.

"Yes? What can I help you with? Oh wait, I don't think I will help you. HA HA HA!", laughed Elmo in his husky high-pitched voice and started to slam the door shut in their faces.

Bert knew that time was running out for Bernice's feeding time and Ernie's rubber duckie so he decided to implement the salesman's foot-in-the-door technique and literally put it to the test.

"OUCH!", shouted Bert in an even more nasal voice than usual.

"HA HA HA HA HA! Bert please move away your foot! I'd like to close my door.", said Elmo unpleasantly.

"Elmo! Stop being so mean! Just tell us if you saw anyone with a Thunder effect! If you help us, I'll give you my Cup of Coldness trophy I won in the Wintry Jokes Competition! Can't you see how much pain my Bertie is in? ", plead Ernie.

True to his word, Bert's foot remained lodged between the door jamb and the door determinedly and Bert's mouth was in a painful normal distribution bell-curved shape.

In other words, an upside down 'U'.

"All right, all right. You can hand the Cup of Coldness to me tomorrow. But I'll go ask Dorothy.", said Elmo.

"Not that goldfish again!!!", groaned Ernie.

"Uh uh uh! Dorothy is not just a goldfish. She is a know-it-all goldfish. Just like your 'Bertie' over here.."

Bert quickly clapped his hands over Ernie's mouth and Elmo turned away to get his goldfish bowl with a satisfied smile.

After a while, Elmo returned to the door with a swagger and asked Dorothy if she knew where the Thunder Thief was. There was a miniature armchair in the middle of the fishbowl, although Bert thought it was quite impractical as goldfishes can't sit.

"Mmhmm... mmhmm... ...mmhmm! All right, here goes, Dorothy says you can find the Thunder Thief by looking for a Monster who has watched every episode of my show, Elmo's World.", said Elmo finally, after mmhmm-ing for about 5 minutes.

"What kind of clue is _that_!? How would we know who watches your show?! I don't even like you!", complained Ernie.

Bert meanwhile, was thinking really hard. So hard that his brow-gina furrowed into a tight 'V' and all of a sudden, he shouted, "AHA!"

Ernie nearly jumped out of his orange skin from Bert's sudden exclamation and he wanted to ask Bert what happened when Bert continued with, "Think, Ernie. The only knuckle-brained muppet who would watch every episode of Elmo's show must be obsessed with TV, because no normal monster muppet would watch such a stupid TV programme!"

"Uh-huh.", said Ernie while nodding slowly.

"And, who do we know is obsessed with TV??"

"Er, the TV repairman?", guessed Ernie.

"No Ernie! The Telly Monster!", shouted Bert irritatedly, who had the sudden thought that he had made a doubtful choice in his soul-mate, who was sometimes quite thick in the head, literally and non-literally.

"AH-HA! That was my second answer, Bert! Let's go find that Telly Monster now. You still remember his address?", replied Ernie guilty, who was quick to change the subject.

"I think it's 1304 Sesame Street, Erns. It's not too far from here!", said Bert excitedly.

They walked on for about five minutes when they arrived at Telly Monster's door. They knocked on the purple monster's door and the minute it opened, Ernie and Bert rugby-tackled the blue-lidded monster to the floor.

"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME!? LET ME GO, I SAY!", shouted Telly.

"Not until you tell us where you hid the Thunder effect, you Thunder Thief!", said Ernie with effort from pinning the Monster's arms to his sides.

"Why do you want to know where is it! I won't tell you!", shouted Telly back.

"The Count needs it back! And Elmo's stupid goldfish led us to you! We took a really long time trying to find you. The Count has got my beloved pigeon and Ernie's rubber duckie as hostage! Just tell us where you hid it, will you?!", asked Bert through clenched jaws. His foot was still hurting from his zark-zestfully executed salesman technique from before.

"All right, all right. I didn't know I caused you so much problems, okay?", said Telly.

"I stole it for my best friend, Baby Bear. He needed it to scare away that hateful Goldilocks! She's not afraid of their roars anymore. She's stealing their porridge and sleeping in their beds and breaking their chairs more often now!", explained Telly.

Bert and Ernie released Telly and Telly rubbed his sides painfully.

"All right, we believe you, but you'll have to come with us or Baby Bear won't give up the Thunder Effect so easily!", reasoned Ernie.

Bert and Ernie then frog-marched Telly out to the street towards Baby Bear's house.

When they reached Baby Bear's house, Ernie started to rap insistently on the door.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

"Er, Ernie? There's actually a doorbell here..", started Telly.

"He knows, but it's just something he likes to do to annoy people.", said Bert a-matter-of-factly.

"Okay! Okay! I'm coming! Who's that knocking on our doow(door)!?", shouted a voice from behind the door.

The door opened and there was Baby Bear.

"Look, Baby Bear! We've got your best friend Telly here hostage, the Count wants his Thunder Effect back so hand it over to us! The Count has our beloved things hostage too and if you don't give it to us by nightfall, which is in an hour's time, we'll never get them back!", rushed Bert in one breath.

"But Goldilocks is so persistent nowadays! She's not sca-wed of us anymowe! I'm just about to sca-we hewr with the Thundewr, she's sleeping in my bed right now!", replied Baby Bear.

"What's with his pronunciation? Why are his 'Rs' pronounced as 'Ws'?", whispered Ernie to Telly.

"Shh! Don't tell Baby Bear I told you, but he's got a bit of a speech impediment!", answered Telly conspiratorially.

Ernie started giggling maniacally with his head pitched backward and his four-fingered hands grabbing his chubby tummy.

"What? What's so funny, Ewr-nie?", asked Baby Bear puzzledly.

Ernie laughed even harder and even Telly managed to sneak a chuckle.

Bert quickly diverted the topic and said, "So, where's the Thunder Effect?"

Suddenly, there was a POOF! behind them and all four of them turned around to look.

"Yez! Zo where iz my thunder eeffect, Baby Bear?", said the Count while stroking his goatee.

"Not on your widow's peak I'll give it back! I'm sowwy, Count, but I need it to sca-wre Goldilocks away.", replied Baby Bear with passion.

"Aah, I have an iidea to zcare away Goldilocks foor you. 'Ill you giive mee back the eeffect if I 'elp you?", asked the Count.

"Al-all wight. Show it to me now?", demanded Baby Bear.

There was another POOF!, a silent flash of lightning and a nasal "OUCH!!" followed from Bert.

A loudspeaker had just bounced off the right side of Bert's head from nowhere.

"Oh, zorry Bert. My 'eleportation zkill iz a bit ruzty.", murmured the Count.

Ernie was rubbing the two bruises on Bert's head and was saying how irresponsible the Count was when Bert complained that one of the bruises was caused by Ernie's flying fire engine too.

"But you've got to admit the purple bruises match your yellow skin perfectly, Bert love.", commented Ernie with misty eyes.

"RGH!!! You two loovebirds are incorrigible!", exclaimed the Count.

Ernie quickly stopped what he was doing and turned to see the Telly Monster and Baby Bear gone.  
The walked into Baby Bear's living room to see a strange sight.

It was the Telly Monster going crazy with Baby Bear's new television set. 'Elmo's World' was on at the moment.

"I guess what Elmo said was right, Telly does watch every show there is!", said Bert with amazement at Telly's crazy whirling eyes.

Suddenly, there was a loud "RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" that echoed for miles around Sesame Street and a screeching girl with curly golden hair ran out from the bedroom to their right and out of the door. The blanket was still on her front when she ran out.

"HAHAHA! It wowrked! It wowrked! Thank you, Count! Although my blanket's missing but the look on Goldie's face when I rawred was so funny! Hewre's youwr Thundewr effect!", gasped Baby Bear from non-stop laughing.

The Thunder effect looked like an ordinary piece of aluminum sheet. The Count test-waved it and there was a deafening rumble of thunder that came from it.

"Lookz like itz beeen in good 'ands! All right, moopets, gooodbye! And 'eres your pigeon and roober dookie!", said the Count dramatically. He extracted a pigeon and rubber duckie from inside his cape and he vanished again with a POOF!

Ernie caught Bert's pigeon and Bert caught Ernie's rubber duckie which emitted a squeak when he grabbed it. Both of them gave a sigh of relief and handed them across to one another.

They happily walked home, knowing that nothing could ever go wrong again with their beloved toy and pet with them.

That night, the whole of Sesame Street was quiet except for a basement apartment at 123 Sesame Street. Ernie was talking to his rubber duckie which replied with constant high-pitched squeaks and Bert didn't mind at all. Bernice the Pigeon was cooing a lot too.

So we end this long story with a happy ending with Bert not at all mindful of Ernie's noise-making. Erratic echoes of a 'RAWR' could once in a while be heard, which drove Goldilocks and the inhabitants of Sesame Street berserk.


End file.
